One
day Brer Fox and Brer Wolf
were walking along through the woods when they saw a key lying on the ground. Brer Fox pounced on it.
‘Ho! This
is the key to Brer Rabbit’s house!’ he said, ‘Let’s
go and hide in his house and catch him by surprise and cook him for supper!’
‘I’m
tired of that crap,’ said Brer Wolf, ‘Every week we
come up with a new scheme to catch Brer Rabbit and
every week he outwits us. This whole charade is becoming quite monotonous.’
‘Don’t
be silly,’ said Brer Fox ‘Think of how impressed all
the creatures in the woods will be when they hear we have finally gotten the
better of Brer Rabbit!’
‘Fuck
Brer Rabbit,’ said Brer
Wolf, ‘We’ve wasted enough time on that cheeky little bastard.’
‘That’s
why we must catch him,’ said Brer Fox, ‘We will look
silly if we give up now. The rivalry must continue until such time as everyone
shits themselves with boredom from reading about it. Come now.’
With
Brer Wolf still grumbling, the pair sneaked off to Brer Rabbit’s house and unlocked the door and crept in.
‘Brer Rabbit has gone to the market and will be back soon,’
whispered Brer Fox, ‘You hide in that cupboard there.
I’ll hide in the bedroom. When Brer Rabbit comes in,
we shall jump out and capture him!’
‘This
is an unprecedented turn of events,’ said Brer Wolf
sarcastically as the pair took their places, ‘I wonder what devilishly cunning
escape plan Brer Rabbit will hatch today.’
‘Shhh!’ said Brer Fox, ‘Don’t be
so pessimistic. This may be our lucky day.’ The two creatures waited patiently
and soon Brer Rabbit arrived home from the
market. He marched up to his front door
and felt in his pockets.
‘Goodness
me!’ he groaned, ‘I believe I’ve lost my key!’ He began to hunt through his
pockets for his key but of course he could not find it. In despair he tried the
handle and much to his surprise the door opened.
‘That’s
funny,’ he said to himself ‘I could have sworn I locked the door when I left
this morning.’
He
went into his house and into his little kitchen and put the kettle on to boil.
Unfortunately neither Brer Fox nor Brer Wolf realised that Brer Rabbit had come home. Brer
Wolf had just farted and was so preoccupied with holding his nose and fanning
the air in the small cupboard that he hadn’t heard Brer
Rabbit come in and Brer Fox had just remembered a
rude joke he had heard the previous day and was giggling to himself.
‘Brer Wolf!’ he called, not realising
Brer Rabbit was home, ‘Brer
Wolf! I have a joke for you.’
‘What
is it, Brer Fox?’ said Brer
Wolf crossly, ‘I don’t like jokes.’
‘You’ll
like this joke,’ said Brer Fox eagerly, ‘It’s about
an Irish homosexual.’
Brer Rabbit heard the muffled voices and came out into the
hall to investigate. He was just in time to hear a voice from the cupboard say:
‘Yes,
yes. I know that one. He likes women. Everyone’s heard that joke. It’s not even
funny. You are a dickhead, Brer Fox.’
Brer Rabbit recognised Brer Wolf’s voice and scratched his head. He reckoned he
knew what Brer Wolf and Brer
Fox were doing hiding in his house and he wasn’t about to be captured. Not Brer Rabbit! He
thought for a moment and then grinned to himself as another cunning scheme came
to him. He went back to the kitchen and took a frying pan and a spoon from a
shelf. He found a fearsome mask he had worn to a fancy dress party and put that
on. He found a long black cloak and put that on too. Didn’t Brer
Rabbit look frightful now! He banged the spoon and fry pan together loudly and
shouted:
‘I
am the Wiggle-Waggle monster! I shall eat everyone I find in this house.’
Brer Wolf heard the frightful din and snorted. This wasn’t
the first time Brer Rabbit had tried this trick. Brer Wolf waited until the noise of the Wiggle Waggle came
closer and then jumped out and grabbed the ‘monster’, took the fry pan from him
and smacked him over the head with it. Brer Fox also
emerged to assist with the capture.
‘That
was the worst attempt to trick us I have ever seen,’ declared Brer Wolf.
‘It
was rather lame,’ agreed Brer Fox, popping Brer Rabbit in a sack and tying up the neck. ‘Or perhaps we
have just become cleverer over time.’
The
sack struggled weakly and Brer Fox spoke sternly to
it.
‘Now
listen here Brer Rabbit! We’ve captured you fair and
square. You’ll be in my roasting pot tonight so until then you shall lie
quietly and ponder your fate.’
Brer Fox was as good as his word. He took the sack home,
boiled a pot of water and dropped Brer Rabbit into
it.
‘We’ll
let him stew in his own juice for a while,’ said Brer
Wolf, licking his lips. ‘The triumph will add extra savour
to our supper.’
That
night all the creatures in the woods were invited to Brer
Fox’s house for delicious rabbit stew and everyone dined merrily. No-one missed
Brer Rabbit at all and everyone congratulated Brer Fox and Brer Wolf on their
splendid victory. So you see, children, the moral of the story is that no-one
likes a smartarse. This applies especially to you. Brer
Fox and Brer Wolf like to eat children too so if
you become too clever you may just end up in their roasting pot. You will
try to remember that, won’t you?