Once upon a time there were three
children named Jo, Fanny and Bun. They lived with their mother and father in a
little cottage in the countryside. Behind their cottage was a ditch, and beyond
this was a mysterious forest known as the Enchanted Wood.
One day the children decided to go
exploring in the Enchanted Wood.
“If you are good children and finish
all your chores this morning I shall give you the afternoon to have a picnic in
the woods,” said Mummy.
So Jo worked hard in the garden that
morning while the girls helped Mummy with the housework. When they finished,
Mummy gave Bun a little basket which contained sandwiches, cake and milk for
lunch and said they could go. The
children set off for the Enchanted Wood in a great state of excitement. They
jumped over the little ditch and into the woods and stood still for a moment,
taking in everything. Although it was a lovely summer day, the trees stood so
close together that only a glimmer of sunlight filtered through the dark green
canopy, making the woods seem dim and more mysterious than ever.
‘Wisha wisha wisha,’ whispered the trees
and the children felt sure there was magic in the air. With Bun carrying the
basket, they skipped merrily down a little path and followed it into the heart
of the woods. They felt so happy that they forgot to watch where they were
going and trod heavily on a group of tiny baby elves picnicking in a clearing.
‘There! I thought there were magic
folk in these woods!’ said Jo, wiping his shoes, ‘Stupid elves. They have quite
spoilt my shoes.’
‘Let’s try and find some more elves!’
said Bun, ‘I want to see a live one.’
‘There should be pixies and fairies
and brownies too!’ said Jo, ‘We’ll see what we can find!’
So the children looked around for
some more magic folk. Soon they came across a brownie who
was picking wild flowers. He tried to run when he saw the children, but Jo
quickly put out his foot to trip him and over he went with a crash. He looked
up in a daze as the children loomed over him.
‘You are our prisoner now, brownie!’
said Bun, ‘Get up. We will take you to our home, where you shall chop firewood
for us in winter and pick fruit for us in summer.’
‘I don’t think it’s a good idea to
take him home,’ said Jo, ‘Let’s kick the shit out of him instead. It will not
take long and then we will find a nice spot to eat lunch.’
‘Please don’t hurt me!’ said the
brownie, ‘If you spare me I will share a wonderful secret with you.’
‘This had better be good,’ said Jo.
‘I know of a wonderful tree,’ said the
brownie eagerly, ‘It is a magic tree which grows the most delicious fruit you
have ever tasted. No matter how much fruit you pick, more always grows in its
place. At the top of the tree is a
ladder which leads into a different land! The tree is a simply wonderful and
magic place.’
‘Show us this tree,’ ordered Jo, ‘If
it is as wonderful as you say it is, we will spare you.’
The children put the brownie on a
leash in case he ran off and the brownie took them to an enormous tree which
towered over all of the others. Its leaves rustled mysteriously and its lower
boughs were easily within reach. All of
the children immediately longed to climb it.
‘Here it is!’ said the brownie, ‘See,
it’s quite easy to climb. Now you can let me go.’
‘You’re not going anywhere, brownie,’
said Fanny, ‘We promised we wouldn’t harm you if you took us to the tree. We
didn’t say we’d let you go.’
‘I want to take him home,’ said Bun,
‘We can keep him in the playroom cupboard and mummy
will never find out.’
‘If you take him back home you can
jolly well keep him in your own room,’ said Jo, ‘I won’t have that thing living
in the playroom. I have been quite disillusioned with the notion of magic folk
living with us since that wretched Psammead ran off
with my wallet last summer.’
The children tied the brownie to a
small oak tree and returned to the base of the Faraway Tree, which was enormous
by comparison.
‘Well here we go,’ said Jo, grinning
around, ‘Shall we climb it?’
“Oh do lets!” cried Fanny and Bun, “ If there is any danger you can protect us.”
So they all started climbing the
tree. The branches were thick and sturdy and even the girls could climb it
quite easily. The lower branches were
sprouting apricots, but much to the children’s surprise they found cherries and
plums growing higher up the tree.
‘We must investigate this window,’
said Jo, ‘Let’s peep in. A little curiosity never harmed anyone.’
So the children peeped in and saw an
extraordinary sight. There before their eyes was a little house built inside
the tree! It was even furnished with rudimentary furniture such as a table, a
chair and a set of shelves.There was a paper McDonalds bag on the table, and as the children watched an
ugly, ill-tempered looking little pixie settled down at the table and began
unwrapping a hamburger, licking his lips eagerly.
‘Here is a typical case of the
malaise afflicting Western society,’ murmured Jo to the girls, ‘In a tree
offering a limitless supply of fruit, this pixie has chosen to eat fast food.’
The pixie heard Jo’s voice and looked
up and saw the children peeping in. His face contorted in rage and he jumped up
and shook his fist at them.
‘Peeping again!’ he shouted,
‘Everyone who comes past this window peeps at me! Always someone peeping, day and night! Rude creatures!’
‘If you wanted privacy you should
have drawn your curtains across the window,’ said Bun.
‘You’ve got a cheek speaking to us
like that,’ said Jo, ‘Come outside and say it again, you little coward.’
The pixie disappeared inside and then
reappeared with a container of Coke, which he threw over Jo, who jumped at the
shock of the coldness.
‘That will teach you to go peeping
into my house,’ said the pixie with a grin and slammed the window shut and drew
the curtains.
‘Pixie, come out here at once!’
hollered Jo, shaking drops from his hair, ‘Open that door immediately!’
‘Shan’t.’ came the pixie’s voice from
within, ‘You jolly well deserved what you got. Now piss off!’
The children briefly conferred and
then Jo lined himself up carefully and kicked the
pixie’s door in. The pixie, who was already seated
back at his table and tucking into his hamburger, jumped violently as Jo
arrived in a sudden shower of dust and splintered wood.
‘Ha! Not so clever now, are we!’
roared Jo, advancing on the pixie who crouched in his
chair, eyes bulging. The girls scrambled
in after Jo and together the children tipped the pixie out of his chair and onto
the floor and sat on top of him. The pixie squealed and thrashed about and then
suddenly went limp.
‘Bother! We’ve killed him,’ said Bun
crossly.
‘He’s still alive,’ said Jo, checking
the pixie’s pulse, ‘Fanny, find a sack to put him in. He can live in our
cupboard with the brownie.’ Fanny found a plastic garbage bag and the battered
pixie was dropped into the bag and the neck of the bag
securely tied. The children then set about exploring the pixie’s house. It was
really not very large at all and very sparsely furnished.
‘I suppose this is what is called a
studio apartment,’ said Jo, popping a handful of chips in his mouth, ‘It isn’t
very nice.’ The children settled down as comfortably as they could manage and
ate their lunch, along with the remains of the pixie’s fast food.’
‘Not very healthy at all,’ said
Fanny, munching away, ‘Mummy would be cross if she found out we were eating
McDonalds.’
Having finished their meal, the
children decided to continue their journey up the tree to see if they could meet
any more magic folk.
‘Leave the pixie here,’ said Jo, ‘We
will collect him on the way home.’
‘Next time we will have to bring a
barrow,’ giggled Bun and they all laughed. They wandered out of the house and
Jo thoughtfully wedged what was left of the door back into the little doorway.
Then the children continued climbing up the Faraway tree, which was now
sprouting rosy apples and plump pears.
‘This tree is stupid,’ said Fanny,
‘It keeps growing fruit which noone will ever eat.’
‘I say! I’ve found another little
house!’ cried Jo, ‘Come and look, girls!’ Fanny and Bun hurried over and they
peeped in. This house was similar to the one they had already seen, but it was
much prettier. There was a set of dear little matching chairs, a sofa and a bed
specially curved to fit the round walls of the room. Fluttering about the house
was a lovely golden-haired fairy, who was humming to
herself as she dusted the furniture. She caught sight of the children with
their noses flattened grotesquely against her window and smiled at them.
‘Hello children! Have you come to
make friends with me?’
‘No.’ said Bun, detaching her nose
from the glass, ‘We are on a mission of conquest. We have captured two
prisoners already. You shall be the third.’
‘How exciting!’ said the fairy, clapping
her hands in delight, ‘I love games of make believe. Come into my little house
to play.’ The children strolled in and settled down on the fairy’s sofa while
the fairy busied herself with setting out some sugar
biscuits on a plate for her unexpected guests.
‘As my sister has mentioned, this is
not a social visit,’ began Jo, taking a biscuit, ‘We are in the process of
executing a hostile takeover of the Faraway Tree, its inhabitants and
associated assets. We are merciful, but no questioning of our authority will be
tolerated.’
‘I have some Google
Buns in here somewhere,’ said the fairy, poking through her cupboards, ‘What did you say, little boy?’
Jo opened his mouth to admonish the
fairy for failing to pay attention but closed it when he saw the fairy produce a wand
and wave three buns onto a plate. The children’s beady eyes darted from the
wand, to the buns and back to the wand again.
‘We see that you are in possession of a magic wand of
some description,’ said Jo, ‘Tell us, in a purely hypothetical context, would
your wand work in human hands?’
‘Goodness, no!’ said the fairy, ‘The
powerful magic in the wand would cause you to shrivel up. Wands are very
dangerous things for children to play with.’
‘Bullshit,’ whispered Bun, ‘She’s
just trying to protect herself by scaring us.’
‘Shhhhh!’
said Jo, ‘Let’s not do anything silly until we find out a little more.’
‘What are you whispering about?’
asked the fairy.
‘We were just commenting on how
beautiful your hair is,’ said Jo untruthfully. The fairy was pleased.
‘I am called Silky,’ she said,
‘Because my hair shines like silk. What are your names?’
‘I am called Fanny,’ said Fanny, ‘For
reasons yet to be discovered by myself. This is my sister Bun and this is Jo.’
The children ate Silky’s
lovely Google Buns, which were filled with sherbert, and listened to the fairy’s description of the
wonderful Faraway Tree.
‘There’s all kinds of folk living in it. Below me is the Angry Pixie, who is always
angry.’
‘Yes, we’ve met him,’ said Bun.
‘Oh
dear,’ said Silky, ‘I hope he wasn't horrid to you.’
‘He
was quite uncivilised,’ said Jo righteously, ‘I found him to be extremely
offensive.’
‘Never
mind,’ said Silky comfortingly, ‘Not all of us are like the Angry Pixie. There are
plenty of nice people who live in the Faraway Tree.’
‘Do
any of them have magic powers like you?’ asked Bun.
‘Most
folk do,’ said Silky, ‘But you mustn't worry about that. Our magic powers are
only used for fighting evil.’
The
children scowled at each other.
‘You'll
find that exciting things are always happening in the Faraway Tree,’ went on
Silky, ‘I do hope that we all become friends. We could have lovely adventures
together.’
‘We'll
see,’ said Jo stiffly, ‘I mean, we wouldn't want to interfere with your
superior magical existence or anything.’
‘Don't
be silly!’ laughed Silky, ‘You'll find that magical folk are jolly fun to be
with. There’s no reason for
you to feel ashamed about not having any powers.’
‘I’m
tired of hearing about magic powers,’ said Bun crossly, ‘Find
something else to tell us about or shut up.’
‘I
want to hear about the magic lands at the top of the tree,’ said little Fanny
eagerly.
‘At the top of the tree there is a ladder
which leads to another land,’ said Silky, ‘ After a
land has been there a while, it moves on and another moves into its place.
There are two types of lands. There are nice lands, like the
‘Oooh! Do lets!’ said Fanny, ‘I want to see what land is there
today!’
Silky laughed ‘You won’t think it’s
so exciting if there’s a horrid land there. But I’ll show you the ladder so you
can take just a little peek.’
So the children and Silky climbed further
up the tree. Along the way they saw another door set in the treetrunk.
‘This house belongs to my friend Moonface,
’ said Silky, ‘Let’s see if he wants to
come with us.’
She opened the door and the children
entered and saw a
round little room which was rather like Silky’s
house, but not as tidy. There were pictures of lingerie models on the walls and
a small pyramid of empty beer cans in one corner. Moonface
was not in the room, but somebody else was. Sitting there on a sofa was someone
very queer indeed. It was a funny old man, all dressed up in pots and pans. He
wore so many of them that he could not move without the pans clanging together.
‘Hallo Saucepan darling,’ said Silky,
giving him a kiss, ‘Meet Jo, Bun and Fanny. They are new friends of mine. We’re
off to see what land is at the top of the tree. Are you coming?’
‘Humming? No, I’m not humming at the
moment.’ said Saucepan.
‘The Saucepan Man has a hearing
problem,’ explained Silky to the children, ‘You’ll need to say everything quite
loudly. Saucepan, I said are you COMING.’
‘Oh, coming,’ said Saucepan, ‘Yes, I shall come. Where are we going?’
‘I think he must be potty.’ said Jo
‘We just told him we were going up the tree.’
‘He didn’t hear me properly.’ said
Silky ‘You’ll soon get used to it.’
‘I think we should leave this Sauce
Man here.’ said Bun. ‘It will be quite tiresome having to repeat things all the
time for him.’
‘Shhhh!’
said Silky. ‘Don’t be unkind. Saucepan, we’re going up the tree. Where is Moonface?’
‘Moonface hasn’t
been seen since the
‘You can’t do that,’ said Jo. ‘You
can’t just go taking people’s houses because you feel like it. I must say that
I find your general appearance quite alarming. I am aware that wacky
side-characters often generate amusement for the easily amused, but the concept of a
deaf saucepan-wearing geriatric is the silliest gag I have ever come across. I sincerely hope you
won’t be popping up in any of our future adventures. We don’t need your brand
of cheap slapstick vulgarity.’
‘Who is this horrid little boy?’ said Saucepan
to Silky, ‘He should be removed from the tree. He is making fun of my
saucepans.’
‘There is nothing wrong with your
saucepans,’ said Jo, ‘The problem is you. Silky, if you honestly expect us to
smile benignly and humour this idiot I am afraid you
have overestimated us. Today’s children are very self-conscious and will not be
seen in public with a person who obviously has no sense of fashion or dignity.’
‘Don’t let’s quarrel.’ said Silky.
‘Come on everyone, let’s go up the tree!’
Saucepan made a rude gesture at Jo as
Silky led him out of the room and the three children scowled at each other.
‘I don’t see how we can look forward
to having adventures up the Faraway Tree if that second rate clown is going to be around,’ said Bun.
‘Cheer up!’ said Jo, ‘People we don’t
like have a curious way of disappearing on our adventures. Come on, girls. I
want to see the land at the top of the tree!’
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